Leave Your Office By 6:00 PM

Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the

villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. 

Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.

One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)"

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)"

The Man Who Controlled His Wife

God comes and says:-

"I want the men to form two queues:-

One queue for men who control their women and the second for men who were controlled by their women

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.

The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.

Indian Mom

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies, “I don't like her"

Little Girl

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

The Worst Day

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink

from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.

Where is GOD???

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way...” The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Understand and love

A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into a pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?"

Life

God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

Growing Up

The first day of school our professor introduced him and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that that lit up her entire being.

Trade Places

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you." Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING? Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

Taxed

A little boy wanted Rs 50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs 50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister as a joke. The Prime Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs 30. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Job Interview - Honest HR Question-Answers

If we were to honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this

1. Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job; I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire someone; you may give me a try.

The Smart Salesmen

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.  Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. 

The Mirror

One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written: “Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared the gym”. In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more excitement heated up. Everyone thought: “Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!” One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.  There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.

The Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child...

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.

The Touchstone

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

The Secret Of Life

The secret of life is to make the best of whatever comes along,

Make every day fresh and new,

Go in search of knowledge and experience.

Let your questions and your answers reconcile.

Do your best to remember that the best kind of learning curve is an educated smile.

The Stupid Donkey

A village potter used to make pots and planters. He would go to a nearby town to sell his wares. He had a donkey on whose back he would load the pots etc.

Diwali was fast approaching, so the potter decided to make some statues of Lord Ganesha and Goddess Lakshmi, to sell in town. He made some beautiful statues and painted them in bright colors. He then loaded them on to the back of his donkey and set off towards the city.

On the way, he crossed many people. They would invariably fold their hands and bow to the statues of Ganesha and Lakshmi. By the time they reached the city, many people had bowed their heads before the deities.

They reached the exhibition ground where the artisans could exhibit their things. Soon the potter was able to sell his statues for a good sum. He was pleased indeed!

Time Bank

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with Rs 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day; allows you to keep no cash balance; every night deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do with such an account Draw out every penny, of course!!!

Every one of us has such a 'bank'. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as lost whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Crime And Punishment

Husband and wife had a tiff. 

Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. 

I am coming to live with you”.

Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. 

I am coming to stay with you.”

Kind of people

Love Wealth And Success

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?” they asked. "No", she replied "He's out". "Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the men in" "We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.  

Obstacles helped these men earn mega success

At age 10, Julio was a little Spanish boy with a dream. He wanted to play football for his favorite club – Real Madrid! He played all day, practiced hard and became a very good goalkeeper.

By the time he was 20, the childhood dream was beginning to come true. He was signed up to play for Real Madrid. And most football pundits were predicting that young Julio would soon become Spain’s No.1 goalkeeper.

One evening in 1963, Julio and his friends set out in a car for a night of fun. It turned out to be a night of horror, as the car they were travelling in met with a terrible accident. And young Julio – soon-to-be star goalkeeper of Real Madrid and Spain – found himself in hospital, paralyzed from the waist downwards. Doctors were unsure if he’d ever be able to walk again. They were pretty sure he would never play football again.

The Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!". The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

The Carbon Paper

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."  At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product.  For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

The Flat Tyre

One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital. He jacked up the truck and removed the flat tyre to fix the spare tyre. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the 4 bolts in the open drain.

Los Angeles

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles. The first   man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to   LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.

"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs   everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, carjacking, and   everyone hate everyone else."

Potter And The Clay

"There was a time when I was just a dumb lump of red clay. Then one day my master came. He took me, brought me home, rolled and pounded me on a wooden table. Again and again, he poked his fingers into me until finally I yelled out: 'Don't do that! Leave me alone!' But he only smiled and gently said: "Not yet!"

Then, whoommmm! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly spun around and around and around until I lost all my sense of direction: 'Stop it; don't you see that I'm getting sick? Quickly, take me from the spinning wheel!' But the master only nodded in understanding and quietly said: "Not yet!"

Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a young Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

The Speeding Porsche

A middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

The Happy Marriage

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

Don't Feed The Ego

There was once a learned scientist..

After a lot of practice and efforts, he developed a formula and learned the art of reproducing himself. He did it so perfectly that it was impossible to tell the reproduction from the original.

One day while doing his research, he realized that the Angel of Death was searching for him. In order to remain immortal he reproduced a dozen copies of himself. The reproduction was so meticulous that all of them looked exactly like him. Now when this Angel of Death came down, he was at a loss to know which of the thirteen before him was the original scientist, and confused, he left them all alone and returned back to heaven.

The Watermelon

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Half Million dollars

The evil you do remains with you, the good you do, comes back to you

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

 “Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

The Chapatti Story

A woman baked chapatti for members of her family and an extra one for a hungry passerby. She kept the extra chapatti on the Window-sill, for whosoever would take it away.

Every day, a hunchback came and took away the chapatti. Instead of expressing gratitude, he muttered the following words as he went his way: "The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!" This went on, day after day.

Every day, the hunch-back came, picked up the chapatti and uttered the words: "The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!" The woman felt irritated. "Not a word of gratitude," she said to herself.

"Everyday this hunchback utters this jingle! What does he mean? "One day, exasperated, she decided to do away with him.”I shall get rid of this hunchback," she said. And what did she do? She added poison to the Chapatti she prepared for him! As she was about to keep it on the window sill, her hands trembled. "What is this I am doing?" she said.

Immediately, she threw the chapatti into the fire, prepared another one and kept it on the window - sill. As usual, the hunchback came, picked up the chapatti and muttered the words: "The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!" The hunchback proceeded on his way, blissfully unaware of the war raging in the mind of the woman.

Every day, as the woman placed the chapatti on the window-sill, she offered a prayer for her son who had gone to a distant place to seek his fortune. For many months, she had no news of him.... She prayed for his safe return.

That evening, there was a knock on the door. As she opened it, she was surprised to find her son standing in the doorway. He had grown thin and lean. His garments were tattered and torn. He was hungry, starved and weak.

As he saw his mother, he said, "Mom, it's a miracle I'm here. While I was but a mile away, I was so famished that I collapsed. I would have died, but just then an old hunchback passed by. I begged of him for a morsel of food, and he was kind enough to give me a whole chapatti."As he gave it to me, he said,

"This is what I eat everyday: today, I shall give it to you, for your need is greater than mine!" As the mother heard those words, her face turned pale.

She leaned against the door for support. She remembered the poisoned chapatti that she had made that morning. Had she not burnt it in the fire, it would have been eaten by her own son, and he would have lost his life! It was then that she realized the significance of the words:

"The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!

"Do good and; don't ever stop doing good, even if it's not appreciated at that time.

The American Ship

The dialogue below is true, and was caught in October 1995 by a ship of U.S. Navy and the coastal authorities in Canada, near the coast of Newfoundland.

The Americans began lying low:

"Please change your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision."

Canadians ready for:

"Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees south."

The American was bitten: "This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. Once again, divert YOUR course."

The Report Card

Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.

She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Marriage

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

And she said. "Then get up and take it yourself"!!

50th anniversary

With a couple deciding to celebrate their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight before their 50th Anniversary into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For example: For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

Your weakness can be your strength

(Please Note before reading: Sensei (先生) is a Japanese title used to refer to or address teachers)

A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident. The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?" “This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.

The Bee Sting

Patient: Please doctor, help me!  I have been stung by a bee.

Doctor: Don't worry! I'll put some cream on it.

Patient: You'll never find the bee. It must be miles away by now.

Doctor: No! No! Please understand. I'll put some cream on the place you were stung.

Patient: Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.

Doctor: u #$%&!  I mean which part of the body did the bee sting?

Patient:  It stung me on my finger.

Doctor: Which one?

Patient: How am I to know? All the bees look the same to me

Doctor: u #$%&!u #$%&!u #$%&!u #$%&!

The Seeker of Truth

After years of searching, a seeker of truth was told by a very wise man to go to a nearby cave, where he would find a deep well.

'Ask the well what is truth', he was advised, 'and the well will reveal it to you. Having found the well, the seeker of truth asked his question . . . What is truth'? Then from the depths of the well came an answer, 'Go to the village crossroad and there you shall find what you are seeking’. Full of hope and anticipation, he ran to the crossroad to find only three rather uninteresting shops. One shop was selling pieces of metal, another sold wood, and thin wires were for sale in the third. Nothing and no one there seemed to have much to do with the revelation of the truth.

Give and Take

Once, a boy went to a shop with his mother.The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said “dear child... U can take the sweets... But the child didn't take. The shop keeper was surprised. Such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle.

Again he said take the sweets.... Now the mother also heard that and said...Take the sweets dear...Yet he didn't take...

The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets...he himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets............

While returning home the mother asked the child... Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take? Can you guess the response: child replies...?